I’m finding myself longing for the summer already. It feels conflicted though, I do love the snow and winter. Last weekend I went out with Becky on Sunday morning and shot half a roll of film while walking with her on the beach. I loved the cold snow, ice creeping on the river’s edge, both being the river itself and the riverbank at the same time. I slowed myself down on finishing that roll, it’s actually a new film that I am hoping to have a variety of subjects on so that I can showcase it on Latency. In the afternoon I put on all the warm cycling kit I owned and rode up twice to ride flow trails that were wildly fun, if a little bit of a dodgy two wheeled bobsled track.

Anyway, it was pretty different from this Sunday. For one, I was exhausted. First week of filming on the show I’m working and we did a six day week. On one hand I’m more than happy for the sixth day pay rate, on the other hand I spent most of Sunday feeling like Death. Becky and I went to the river, but the warm snow slopped under my lazy legs, I was glad to see Becky prancing around the snow, shoving her nose through searching for isolated smells wafting through. We did another short hike later in the afternoon, where I went to spend time with her on trails (she loves trails) but I felt myself plod along. I definitely wasn’t inspired to be making photographs.

So it’s a mix bag. Really this short weekend was missing a bike ride. And some motivation to keep moving on. Ambition can be a real son of a bitch sometimes. I wanted to make progress on a few specific things this weekend but I felt glued to the couch when I couldn’t get out for a bike ride in lousy weather/trail conditions. I feel like there’s a mild two wolves eating each other situation with my full time job and my personal business and goals.

Robert Mayfield, cousin Rob. Robert lived with me for a winter of racing and training up here in Vancouver/Burnaby (for the velodrome) where we pushed each other to train, a lot. That first winter led to one of my best Spring campaigns of my racing career. Robert wasn’t the only factor in that, I know very well that meeting Angela that winter and the amazing headspace and confidence I’d found with my new partner influenced my bike racing more than most other ingredients.

Anyways, this story is mainly to say, that Robert’s Gretzky shirt is perfect, because one of the times he stayed with us I also tattooed a toque on him with a 99. He’s a great one too.

I’ve been trying to shoot Amiel’s portrait for a couple of years now. It took me not participating in racing Provincials myself in order to corral him into it finally. I maybe was a bit rushed on this particular day, I didn’t realize that the Sunday racing schedule was moving so swiftly, so instead of being able to take my time setting it up it was a little run and gun. I’m happy to have finally got it though, even if I didn’t quite nail the focus as much as I wanted to on the 4x5. It would have been nice to have him seated after racing, it’s difficult not to drift after a weekend full of racing.

Keeping my own challenges in perspective is difficult sometimes. Many of my goals and dreams don’t often line up with reality, but so many of them do. Q-Tip in A Tribe Called Quests’ Mr Incognito summed it up perfectly: Ride, Crib, Mutt, Wife. I’m trying be grateful for those things and while it’s cold this week sleeping in my relatively unfinished camper van, there’s so many folks who don’t have the privilege of making choices that keep them safe and out of the elements.

I’m coming in quick with another from Gastown. I have to say I’m quite proud in a really nerdy way of the photos I managed at Gastown this year. I don’t like using the fact that something is shot on film as a crutch to hold up the work. But I’m proud of a difficult exposure choice and shootin sports while focusing manually on a 500mm lens (this film camera doesn’t autofocus the much newer 200-500mm lens). But on top of the nerdy reasons that shooting film made this difficult, I think I made good decisions using the cut of light through downtown buildings to make this attacking rider pop from the group, the natural bounce off the fencing signage making real shape on the rider. I can’t say I knew the bounce was filling in as much as it did, it was a sweet reward of good decisions that led to an image I really like.

But, aside that I often enjoy the job, it has it’s downsides. Largely that I don’t drive home everynight. The long long hours mean that I choose to stay in my van, because I’m afraid I’d drive off a cliff on the Sea to Sky at night. Those same hours dictate that even if I did drive home everynight, it would be only to shower and turn around in the morning. I miss my family dearly while I’m working, when the strikes were on I got to spend so much more time at home, but I spent a lot of that time stressing out about cashflow and the uncertainty of when that was going to return. I found it hard to focus sometimes on the best parts of where I live (riding bikes, hikes, camping opportunities) just from being stressed out.

Whispering secrets, babbling throats, ears of stone.