Feelings

I shot this self portrait last week. I shot it as a way to keep myself making images, and because I've been trying to sort out how I feel in the middle of all this.

And if I’m being completely honest; I'm not great. I'm not handling this change to schedule, employment and recreation (or void of exercise/cycling) as gracefully as the internet has me to thinking everyone else is. I’ve spent a lot of evenings just being sad. Overwhelmed. Frustrated.

This year was always going to be a big change for me. Trying to join the film union as a lamp operator. Trying to put that experience, knowledge and new funds into my photography practice and business to achieve where I want to be in five years.

I wasn't going to race as much, but I still had goals left for my cycling year. I thought I'd have one more go as an elite racer before transitioning to master's racing.

Before this all hit, things were on the up. I started getting work on set, I had side projects and side-hustles. I shot creative exercises in spare time, I still rode bikes. And now I'm feeling so uncertain, just about the only solid fact I know (outside my loving, caring home) going forward is that I'll be stocking shelves overnight until 'normal' begins.

I know I'm not the only one. I know I'm supposed to feel very lucky to be employed. I know it will pass. I know that I'll continue moving forward. But, I also know that I don't feel great right now. I'm not bored, I'm just sad. And that's okay, because part of my way forward is being honest with how I'm feeling, even if it's just saying it out loud.